From The Friday Funnies

Things I Learned This Week

• I should not be allowed to man a shopping cart in WalMart if the PA system is blaring the Blues Brothers Theme - all I'm going to say is that I was momentarily overtaken by the sense of urgency in those nostalgic notes ...
• Sadly, the pharmaceutical wizards have yet to make a stop-drinking-patch for those of us who are addicted to strawberry smoothies and tragically work only 53 1/2 footsteps from the Smoothie Shack
• Watching COURT TV with a new male co-worker while a reporter details the contents of Michael Jackson's adult materials collection gives new meaning to the term Silent As The Grave {why oh why couldn't I just have grabbed the remote and clicked to any other channel?!}
• There is no good way to explain to someone that the sounds of hammering in the kitchen which woke him from a dead sleep were not a) late night remodeling or b) an attack by an intruder but in fact c) just little old me breaking a frozen candy bar into bite-sized pieces

When Attending A Funeral ...

Okay, folks. Here are a few funeral attendance tips for you.

Five Things You Should NEVER Bring To A Funeral

1. Your Baby – because no matter how cute it is, the noise that comes out of one end is as disruptive as the smell that comes out of the other end
2. Your Cell Phone – because true respect demands more than just a moment of silence
3. Your Cleavage – because no matter how well endowed you are (or paid to become) this is one of those moments in which tact should prevail
4. Your Dog – because the hour long high-pitched, nerve-snapping, non-stop yip-yapping of man’s best friend from the bed of the truck you parked at the chapel entrance goes beyond bad manners
5. Your Influenza – because hearing you hock up a lung like you have one foot in the grave with your buddy is not conducive to the atmosphere of a final farewell

Kitty Kam

Clawed The Cat finally notices the fish swimming mere millimeters from his nose!

Weekend Wonder

This is the entry to a home I visited this weekend.

I was captivated by the WHITE wisteria tree.

Not only was it a feast for the eyes,

it scented the entire courtyard!

From The WEIRD NEWS Files

Man Mistakenly Deemed Dead Leaves Hospital

LOUISBURG, N.C. - A man who was hit by a car and mistakenly declared dead is out of the hospital and continuing his recovery in a rehabilitation center. Larry Green was hit by a car the night of Jan. 24 as he walked home after buying beer. Green, 29, was examined on the scene by paramedics and a medical examiner, declared dead and his body taken to a morgue. Two 1/2 hours after the accident, the same medical examiner detected signs of life and Green was quickly hospitalized. Two of the four paramedics who treated Green were fired. The other two were ordered to take remedial training. The medical examiner was not disciplined.

From the AP
March 14, 2005